Why Am I So In My Head?
Take a moment and recall a recent stressful situation. Did you….
Spend a lot of time desperately trying to figure out what happened and why it happened?
Try to parse out if it was your fault, and ping pong back and forth between feeling it was your fault and knowing it wasn’t? (If so, pause and read my recent post on this phenomenon.)
Have a big emotional response, then try to figure out why you felt that way?
Not like the feelings you had or thought they didn’t make sense?
If this sounds like you, welcome to the “In Your Head Club.” We don’t have membership cards, but we can offer a lot of validation, and something you may like even more: an explanation.
It’s an attachment thing. Because of course it is.
First, neurobiology: The right side of the brain, which takes in the felt-sense of nurturing from our caregivers as a means to soothe, develops first and is dominant in infants. The more of this we get, the safer we feel, and the more we can trust that we’ll be supported when we’re in emotional pain.
If we don’t get the soothing we all need as babies and children, we instead try and make meaning of situations we don’t understand, using our left brain. As you can imagine, babies and children aren’t great at doing this, and may end up with negative beliefs about themselves because children personalize the outside world, not knowing that most things are not about them.
Here’s an example:
A mother yells at her child. The child is confused and angry because humans have evolved to expect attunement from our caregivers. This child likely does not have the skills to cope with this kind of event. Instead, with no understanding of the nuance of adult psychology (ie, this is about mom, not about the kid), they seek to understand why this happened.
They think and think and think…and reach a developmentally appropriate conclusion: I am bad. Shame is intolerable, especially to children, so they continue thinking and thinking to figure out what to change and do better next time. If they can achieve this, the child both doesn’t have to feel shame, and also doesn’t piss off mom. (And let’s not forget that to a kiddo, these two things are so intertwined they’re basically the same thing.)
Over-thinking is an attempt to self-soothe.
In this example, the right brain didn’t get what it expected, and that plays out as an intolerable experience for a child who both cannot soothe themselves, and who is biologically wired to attach to their mother. However, the child has to do something because this emotional outcome (shame) is so. darn. awful. In this case, the left brain took over to figure out what was happening. This is how over-thinking is an attempt to self-soothe.
This kind of scenario, when played out many times over the course of a childhood (when the nervous system and brain are most malleable), may yield an adult who is both disconnected from their emotional experience, and who tries to “figure out” their emotions without actually feeling them. It’s a form of dissociation.
We also know that prolonged trauma in childhood actually decreases the size of the corpus callosum, which in turn negatively impacts hemispheric communication and memory integration. People from developmental trauma and emotional neglect backgrounds often report their thoughts and emotions being in conflict, and this is part of the reason why.
Let’s try something different.
Next time you find yourself in a thought spiral, pause and ask yourself what you’re actually feeling. That emotion or sensation in the body is your clue to what actually needs to be soothed. Remember: “Figuring out” emotions doesn’t actually soothe us, no matter how hard we try.
Ten Simple Steps to Actually Self-Soothe:
Invite your energy down into your body from where it’s swirling around in your head.
Lightly, to your comfort level, scan your body to notice any tightness, tension, or unusual sensation.
Focus on that sensation, and see if there’s a feeling word that goes with it. Remember, emotions are just words we put to somatic (body) experience. If you need, use the feelings wheel.
Say to yourself, “I feel [emotion].” Verbalizing emotion decreases their intensity, so do this aloud, if you can.
If you feel comfortable staying in the body, place a hand where you feel the emotion, and ask it what it needs you to understand. Listen carefully.
Validate the emotion by saying, “You’re allowed to feel [emotion]. I see you, and I’m here for you. It’s okay to feel this way.”
Pause, and see how you feel. Many people report a loosening of tension.
Ask the emotion what it needs you to understand, then thank it for sharing with you.
If your inner critic shows up, just let it know you see it, too, and ask if it’s willing to take a step back so you can be with the feeling. This can be challenging, so keep trying! Your inner critic may just need some validation, too.
Repeat as needed, adding in self compassion and understanding as much as possible.
Like this alternative better than the thought spiral? Consider trauma-informed therapy. Therapies like IFS, EMDR, somatic modalities, mindfulness, and DBT can help get your out of your head and bring soothing to where it’s actually needed: your body and heart.
Please note: This blog post is for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy. However, we do have some great therapists on staff, who would be happy to chat with you. Check us out and schedule a consultation today.
